I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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