Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
