Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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