So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
