i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
