It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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