so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
