dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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