So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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