What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
