yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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