My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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