remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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