I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
