I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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