some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
