I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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