Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i came on her dog
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
