About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Semen is not good for contacts.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
