If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
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When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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