All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
