i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
