Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
