He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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