maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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