How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My life is pants optional.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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