new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
