Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
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I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
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I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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