Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
