I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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