I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
