Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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