Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
