Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Randomize
