So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
