Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
