I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
