Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
