Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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