i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
There r osticjed everywhere
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
