I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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