I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried