Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?