nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Randomize
