Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
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Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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