probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Less talking, more tequila
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
