high people should be assigned attendants
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
