Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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