I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
