Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
