Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
