If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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