She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
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Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
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Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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