I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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