Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
