Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
